Dr. Linda on SheLovesGod.com!

Dr. Linda Miles was featured on www.SheLovesGod.com! This is what they had to say!

Marriage and family therapist shares insights for creating a more loving marital relationship … especially when times are tough. Don’t let fear and money issues destroy your marriage. The Center for Public policy has found that families who do best in financial hard times maintain hope and pull together. Whether you’re married or plan to be, you won’t want to miss this call!

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Discover Love,

Dr. Linda Miles
www.drlindamiles.com
Author of “Friendship On Fire” and “The New Marriage”.

THE COMPONENTS OF FRIENDSHIP ON FIRE

FIRE:

>Sparks your connection so you cannot walk away without a huge loss of warmth
>Gives energy and life
>Provides the energy to burn off underbrush
>Connects you to the spark of the divine

FRIENDSHIP:

>Provides safety
>Gives compassion and encouragement to live true purpose
>Develops skills for controlled burns and conflict management
>Offers mutual commitment to health, happiness, and spiritual growth.

REPAIR

Friendship on Fire helps couples repair conflicts in a timely way. They use friendship skills like compassion and respect to set controlled burns. They do not let bad feelings smolder. Holding on to anger is like holding a hot charcoal briquette in your hand with the intention of throwing it at your partner. YOU get burned.
So check your page numbers, commit to some time, and light the torch for a Friendship on Fire.
Should have a divider page with title: Fire of Spirit and quote
By illuminating and dealing with your differences, you let go of the past. A controlled burn brings forgiveness while releasing anger and grief..

“Love partakes of the soul itself. It is of the same nature. Like the soul, it is a divine spark…it is a point of fire within us.”
Victor Hugo

Discover Love,

Dr. Linda Miles

Buy Dr. Linda Miles NEW book, “Friendship on Fire” - 52 Weeks to Passionate and Intimate Connections for Life (Paperback)
Buy it NOW on Amazon.com!

CONTROLLED BURNS

Everyone is aware of fire’s potential to warm and comfort or destroy. Forest rangers use controlled burns to rid the forest of underbrush and keep it healthy. There was a time when the Forest Service attempted to put out every blaze, no matter how small, as soon as possible. In recent years, they have realized that simply containing the fires is better for the forest.

They are also aware, of course, that a fire should not burn unrestricted and harm to the fragile ecosystem—plants, animals, soil, water, and air. It must be controlled, preserving the ecosystem while ridding it of deadwood and thick underbrush that might ignite dangerously.

While the heat from a controlled burn is just as intense as a wildfire, it is contained with
in boundaries. So it is with a loving and lasting relationship. The passion essential to keeping a relationship alive is managed within the safety of friendship.

As I write this on the Fourth of July, I can hear fireworks all around me. Some of the worst wildfires in a decade are blazing out of control in California. I am reminded that passion can also become wildfire, destructive and all-consuming. You need a well established friendship so that the fire will only consume what it should. In this way, the relationship (like the forest) can be cleansed of combustible debris and nourished.

Discover Love,

Dr. Linda Miles

Buy Dr. Linda Miles NEW book, “Friendship on Fire” - 52 Weeks to Passionate and Intimate Connections for Life (Paperback)
Buy it NOW on Amazon.com!

YOU HOLD THE MATCHES

FIRE OF SPIRIT begins with a focus on your inner life, since you need self-awareness to sustain Friendship on Fire. You hold the matches.
Awareness practices help you to stay centered. You must be able to detach and calm yourself if you want to maintain Friendship on Fire.

ENKINDLE FIRE OF SPIRIT
Self-hatred interferes with authentic connections with others. Logs of self-loathing can fuel destructive internal fires and consume your energy. The first sections of the book will help you to set aside the logs of self-loathing and enkindle your Fire of Spirit.
The Fire of Spirit case examples teach you how to observe your thoughts through awareness practices. You are not your thoughts. You are a Spiritual Being having a human experience.
The Fire of Spirit cases are about waking up. Spiritual practices help you to stop thinking so much with your ego and listen for the messages from your Soul.

THE FIRE OF CONNECTION sections focus on the connection between you and your partner. A philosopher and priest, Teilhard de Chardin, performed a wedding and explained that there were three entities that were getting married: the bride, groom, and the marriage itself. He described the marriage as a baby and cautioned that, if the baby is not cared for, it will get sick and die.
Fire of Connection is about caring for the baby. If couples are mired in shame and blame, they neglect the third entity.

FIRE OF SAFETY cases deal with threats to Friendship on Fire and how to foster peace and security in your relationship.Shakespeare once wrote, “There is no safety but in risking all for love.” So how do you protect one another and the relationship? Those with Friendship on Fire are experts at controlled burns.

Discover Love,

Dr. Linda Miles

Buy Dr. Linda Miles NEW book, “Friendship on Fire” - 52 Weeks to Passionate and Intimate Connections for Life (Paperback)
Buy it NOW on Amazon.com!

LOVE LESSONS

Picture by www.shilohevents.com

LOVE LESSONS

Roberta and Burt maintained a Friendship on Fire for forty-five years. They laughed, declaring that they HAD to learn to work things out because the world felt too darn cold when they were at odds.
When Burt was dying of cancer, Roberta still saw the young man she first met. Although he weighed only ninety-five pounds and had an ashen color, she still felt their love. As he was dying on a Monday afternoon in the living room filled with memories, she expressed, “We have always worked things out together. I am with you now and I will find you again.”

THE ENERGIES OF LOVE

John Claypool wrote after the death of his eleven-year-old daughter:
“…For years I took life for granted and assumed having a healthy family was precisely what I deserved. I see now what an astonishingly good fortune even a single day really is.”

This book is designed to provide 52 weeks of fuel for a Friendship on Fire. You can have a loving and lasting relationship, but it takes skill and preparation. It must include the three components of an enduring fire: Spirit, Connection, and Safety.
You do not need to do the readings in order. Start with the sections that speak to you. Since this book is based on commonly occurring problems in relationships, rest reassured that you are not alone. I have watched countless couples breathe a sigh of relief as this registers: “You mean this is not just us!”

As a seasoned psychotherapist, I have learned that it is often necessary to throw my advance preparation out the window because my clients specify exactly what they need during that session. I have learned to ask them what they need most at that time. With the “right here, right now” lesson in mind, I begin this Friendship on Fire journey with a questionnaire designed to identify your current issues and direct you to applicable sections .

Since this book is designed to give you 52 weeks of fuel for a loving and lasting relationship, it helps to complete the following questionnaire to identify what you need. Priority areas for your relationship. When you finish the questions, you will find references to page numbers that address the issues that you have identified.

In an ideal world, you might take a week for each section of the book and spend lots of time thinking about and discussing the “Your Turn” responses; however, chances are you will be interrupted. Start with what is most important and return to other sections later.

Answer “True” or “False” for the following questions. You may take this if you are alone or currently in a relationship. Answer what is most true for you at this time in your life. Regarding question 1, for example: you may feel isolated and lonely when you are with your current partner as much as or more than someone who does not have a partner. Regarding question 2: even if you are not in a relationship now, you may have had problems in the past with intolerance. This list features problems that couples frequently report, so you are not alone. The questions will help you to identify and attack the problems and not one another.

As you work on your relationship, your ability to sustain Friendship on Fire will increase. If you are doing this alone you will learn to do whatever kindles most love in your life. “Knowledge always demands increase; it is like fire which must first be kindled by some external agent, but will afterwards always propagate itself.” (Samuel Johnson)

1. I feel isolated and lonely.
2. I am intolerant of my partner.
3. I resent my partner.
4. I lash out at my partner.
5. My partner lashes out at me.
6. Sex is a major problem for us.
7. I use criticism too often.
8. My partner uses criticism too often.
9. I have lost respect for my partner.
10. My partner has lost respect for me.
11. We avoid dealing with conflicts.
12. We need to learn how to fight fair.
13. Our life together is boring.
14. My life is too stressful.
15. I experience very little joy.
16. I feel as if I have lost track of who I am.
17. I have recently experienced a death in the immediate family.
18. I feel anxious a lot.
19. I feel a sense of emptiness.
20. I wish I could laugh more often.
21. We do not work well as a team.
22. We do not support one another when we are dealing with the children.
23. I experience a lack of purpose in my life.
24. I worry a lot.
25. My partner and I have lost our connection.
26. We have a hard time understanding one another.
27. I have lost trust in my partner.
28. My partner has lost trust in me.
29. I keep my unhappiness inside and pretend that things are OK.
30. I have felt depressed for more than a month.
31. I have a problem with drinking or drugs.
32. My partner has a problem with drinking or drugs.
33. I put myself down too much.
34. I feel like I always have to be the grown-up.
35. I wish we had a spiritual practice.

If you have a lot of “True” answers, remember that you have lots of company, as these represent common relationship problems. When more of us fire our minds with the passionate belief that our families can live by love, we spread light for others.

Discover Love,

Dr. Linda Miles

Buy Dr. Linda Miles NEW book, “Friendship on Fire” - 52 Weeks to Passionate and Intimate Connections for Life (Paperback)
Buy it NOW on Amazon.com!

HOT IS NOT ENOUGH

HOT IS NOT ENOUGH

There are countless couples with hot chemistry who cannot face challenges of daily life together. Fire is not limited to the erotic beginnings of a relationship and, without a foundation of friendship, it can burn out.

I recall a mom who was very distressed when her seventeen-year-old daughter fell for a handsome and charming boy who sold drugs at school. It turned out to be a great lesson for the teenager about what it was like with someone so undependable. HOT WAS NOT ENOUGH. However, past relationships that you consider failures may have helped prepare you for Friendship on Fire.

NOT HOT ENOUGH

I sat in a session with a petite 25-year-old with huge brown eyes who told me that she had learned that you cannot choose a partner simply because he “looks good on paper.” In her case, there was no fire with her handsome fiancé, an Ivy League med school student. When I asked her how she came to this conclusion, she shared that her mother had divorced her dad because of a lack of feeling. Friendship on Fire combines the fire of strong feelings with the safe connection of feelings.

HOT OR NOT

In my experience, many people experience one extreme or the other that helps them prepare for a Friendship on Fire. I have often found unhappy couples who have passion without being chummy or companionship sans excitement. If you are unfulfilled because you have one of these extremes, see if you can put in what is missing. Give it your best effort before starting again. Start where you are. Learn your lessons. Ultimately, it is all about YOUR journey to manifest your potential for loving.

Discover Love,

Dr. Linda Miles

Buy Dr. Linda Miles NEW book, “Friendship on Fire” - 52 Weeks to Passionate and Intimate Connections for Life (Paperback)
Buy it NOW on Amazon.com!

THE SONG IN YOUR HEART

THE SONG IN YOUR HEART

Friendship on Fire partners know the song in one another’s heart . Together they share a combined consciousness that is a sacred .“When someone deeply listens to you, your bare feet are on the earth , and a beloved land that seemed distant is now at home within you.” The friendship offers safety and the fire provides sparks.

Discover Love,

Dr. Linda Miles

Buy Dr. Linda Miles NEW book, “Friendship on Fire” - 52 Weeks to Passionate and Intimate Connections for Life (Paperback)
Buy it NOW on Amazon.com!

“Friendship On Fire” Trailer

Discover Love,

Dr. Linda Miles

Buy Dr. Linda Miles NEW book, “Friendship on Fire” - 52 Weeks to Passionate and Intimate Connections for Life (Paperback)
Buy it NOW on Amazon.com!

Seven Secrets of Spirited Single Moms

Although raising a child alone may not be ideal, it is an increasing reality. Some experts speculate that single moms now head half of all family homes. With the divorce rate around 50%, and more women making the choice to be single moms, they need positive role models, sound information and encouragement to make their home a stronghold of love to launch children into a lifetime of purpose and meaning. Successful Single Moms (SSM) have seven secrets for success:

1. Love is a Practice: SSM say I love you a lot, not only with words, but with actions and honesty. SSM show how to love life and do not traffic in self-pity. They honor their own dreams and those of the child. If the child wants to be a pilot, they get books from the library about planes, make paper planes and encourage the child’s enthusiasm. Being a SSM is contagious.

2. Spirited Single Moms Grow Along with Their Children: They work hard on breaking destructive patterns from childhood. For example, if she grew up in a family of abuse, the SSM realizes she may be attracted to the wrong sort of friends and relationships, so she refuses to allow destructive people to become important in the lives of her children. Even if she struggles everyday with challenges, she learns to make positive life-affirming choices. If she has on-going problems with depression or anxiety she seeks help.

3. Spirited Single Moms Know the Difference between Pretenders & Partners: There are many men who are excellent and entertaining dates, but they are not marriage material. If possible, it is wise to wait to introduce the children to a date until Mom thinks he may be around for a while and has reason to believe he will treat her children with care. A good way to find out about potential for the future is by learning about the date’s family history. If there has been abuse, cruelty, dishonesty, trouble with the law, etc, then these patterns are likely to repeat. SSM base their decisions on what is REAL about a potential mate and never marry “potential”. Also, adults should both pledge that they will never marry someone that does not love the children, treating them with respect.

4. Spirited Single Moms Celebrate Life: Laughter is prosperity during hardship. Mother Theresa once said, “Our best protection is a joyful heart”. Show your child how to celebrate. Children learn most from who we are and what we do, not what we say. Celebrate things considered “everyday,” such as the first day of fall, a puppy, even new crayons. Celebrate one another on a daily basis by saying “gratefuls,” things you are grateful for and “appreciations,” things you appreciate about one another.

5. Spirited Single Moms Model Giving: It is a privilege and a joy to spend our lives giving love. SSM model this behavior by doing things like, surprising a teacher with cookies, making a card for an elderly neighbor, or taking time to complement a super employee at WAL-MART.

6. Spirited Single Moms Refrain from Bad-mouthing the Ex: They make every attempt to co-parent with the child’s other parent, since the child’s self esteem is founded on feeling loved. Pity parties are held in private, since children need to feel safe and cannot handle their parent’s Big emotions. Tell your child, “I am so glad you were born” to help them feel important. Feeling positive reduces anxiety and children are better able to learn and explore. When you say an ex is “bad” it is like telling the young child that a part of him/her is bad also.

7. Spirited Single Moms are not Alone: Successful single Moms get help from family, friends and the community. Dr. Linda had a Co-Mom, Pamela Smith. They took turns caring for the children. Recently one of the Smith children, Melissa named one of her twin boys, Miles in honor of her “second” Mom. SSM do not allow toxic people into the lives of the children. They choose friends and dates as wisely as they wish their children to do.

Discover Love,

Dr. Linda Miles

Buy Dr. Linda Miles NEW book, “Friendship on Fire” - 52 Weeks to Passionate and Intimate Connections for Life (Paperback)
Buy it NOW on Amazon.com!

8 Keys to Lasting Love

My granddaughter, Merritt Miles, at five years old, was the inspiration for, 8 Keys to Lasting Love. While reading her a fairy tale I was very disturbed by what I was about to say to her when I read; “And they lived happily ever after.”

So, I took the liberty of changing the ending to, “They began the work of creating a very good marriage.” I didn’t want Merritt thinking, as so many of my clients had, that marriage was so simple, that it just magically happened and couples lived happily every after.

As a marriage and family therapist for thirty years, I have seen the pain people experience after the honeymoon is over, when they awaken realizing they have married a mere mortal. I hope my granddaughter, as she enters adulthood, will avoid the pitfalls and pain of those who succumb to this “happily ever after” myth.

1.Stop blaming. Start living. It is our responsibility, and not our partner’s, to feel better and to heal. Our partner will be responsible to us, but not for us. So it’s useful, instead of blaming our partner, to ask ourselves these two questions, “Why did I draw this person into my life?” and “What is it that I need to learn from this?” Within a good marriage, we grow up.
2.Avoid the fixer-upper syndrome. We think we can fix our partner and shape them into perfection. Our version of perfection. So many people marry for potential. Never marry potential. Marry for safety, the safety between two people who accept one another faults and all.
3.Make a promise to keep our integrity. Do not hold onto victim hood like a prize. This doesn’t allow us to grow. Work on behaviors that make our partner want to change by being kind and loving. Vent our feelings, without being out of control. If we are in a relationship that does not have mutual respect, over time we may need professional help. Preferably, we would seek that help with our partner.
4.Eliminate attack thoughts. These types of thoughts are incredibly destructive over time. If we attack other people, ourselves and our thoughts, it really interferes with our happiness and peace of mind. Learn to find the joy, even in difficult times. As Mother Theresa once said, “Our best protection is a joyful heart.”
5.Do not hold onto anger. Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die. Turn attack thoughts into constructive thoughts and actions. Think thoughts that are appreciative of ourselves and our partner. And express those thoughts often. When we build an emotional bank account full of positive thoughts, we have positive emotional currency to counter with when angry times come.
6.Wake up, without makeup. On soap operas I’ve seen women wake up first thing in the morning with all their makeup on, false eyelashes and all. That is not the real world. What we need to do for a successful marriage is to learn to be more and more real. What we need to do for a successful marriage is learn to feel more and more safe to be who we truly are.
7.Wake up and make up. It is essential that couples learn to repair and heal after every fight. Find solutions. Do not get stuck rehashing the past. Live in the present, and find ways to keep the marriage buoyant and alive. Happy couples learn how to repair differences.
8.To change our relationship, the place to start is with changing ourselves first. Better to reinvent ourselves, because we are not going to be able to change our partner. Learn to love in a mature way without trying to control or manipulate. C.S. Lewis once said, “To love without control or manipulation is to be surprised by joy.” We will truly be surprised by joy when we can live in the moment with our partner. And within ourselves.

Discover Love,

Dr. Linda Miles

Buy Dr. Linda Miles NEW book, “Friendship on Fire” - 52 Weeks to Passionate and Intimate Connections for Life (Paperback)
Buy it NOW on Amazon.com!